Was visibly upset today when the hairdresser took off way too much hair and gave me really choppy layers. Is having your hair attacked by garden shears the new look? Honest question.
Anyway I need to stop caring so much about inconsequential shit like that. Every little problem just becomes amplified when you are already feeling shit about yourself, I guess.
I don’t know when this space became what is essentially an insufferable self-pitying monologue, but I do think there is merit (however negligible) in straightening out my thoughts. If nothing, it serves to remind me how ridiculous and irrational these feelings are.
I’m becoming something that I’ve come to despise - instead of being content with what I have, I’m projecting my insecurities, my jealousies, my general hatefulness on people (or rather, person) I’ve come to care about. Some things shouldn’t matter at all, but I can’t seem to be able to compartmentalize these irrational feelings. Shoving them aside has only succeeded in letting my resentment grow like a poisonous fruit. It clouds and leaves a bad taste in everything I perceive; I pick apart every word, finding meanings where there were none. This constant need to be reassured must be annoying to the extreme to those who have to experience it.
Sometimes, I truly believe that I am the only thing standing between myself and happiness. There will always be a part of me that is convinced that I am inadequate, a second choice, leavings that nobody wants. That I will never measure up to those that precede or come after me. That you are probably thinking about how much worse I am at doing things compared to others. I do desperately want to be convinced otherwise, but I simply don’t get the conviction. I don’t know whether I am asking too much or if you are giving too little. It is extremely painful to realize that the person whom you center your feelings around simply doesn’t do the same about you. I should be rational. Clearly relationships are not about weighing the input and output of the parties involved. I give too much and expect the same in return, but expectations only breed disappointment.
I am disappointed that you don’t always deliver on your promises - I do know that I am supposed to understand your reasons for it, but it doesn’t mean that I am not hurting. It’s pure selfishness to expect someone to go out of the way to do something for you, but then I realize that you have probably done more for others and that I am probably simply not worth putting effort into.
I am spiteful, jealous, and I am probably better off alone.
Strung along by empty promises until the inevitable, painful (mostly self-inflicted) end.